going to Chicago!?!?

Well, at Sophie's 1 year check-up I got up on my soap box and was talking to her pediatrician about her mole. I explained everything we've been through up to this point with all the doctors and differing opinions. Scheduling surgeries then cancelling them, and just not being sure what would be best for Sophie. I told her that I think we would have already got it removed if I had felt like I was given a good option for removal that would look good in the end. (Why remove it if it will end up looking as bad or worse than it did before?) I told her that we received a referral for a doctor in Chicago that specializes in pediatric tissue expansion and that is the only surgery that I've learned about that I think would end up looking good. But no one in state can/will do that surgery. Sophie's pediatrician told me something that I didn't know. She said that she's heard of Medicaid (Sophie's insurance) paying for an out of state doctor if the patient needs a procedure that is not offered in state!!! (WHAAAAT? Why didn't someone tell me that before???) She didn't know much about it but thought it might be a resolution for us.

Over the last week I have exchanged several emails and one phone call with the doctor in Chicago, Dr. Bruce Bauer. Honestly, I have felt like this was meant to be. I have shed so many tears and had so many sleepless nights worrying about Sophie's mole and what I should do. We have scheduled her surgery and canceled it 3 times before with other doctors just because it didn't feel right. Those of you have been reading my blog for awhile, know how indecisive I've been about this. As I said before I think that we would have already had it removed had I felt like we'd been given a a good option for removal. Dr. Bauer is WONDERFUL!! He's the best in the country at what he does (people come to him from all over the world) yet he is the 1st doctor that has paid me the courtesy of explaining the procedures, their pros and cons, and what exactly it entails. I was so surprised that he replied to my emails the same day, empathized with my concerns and explained things in such a way that they made sense! I know that seems like it should be a given, but my experience with surgeons has been dismal. In the past I have felt like they either didn't care or didn't know the answers to my questions. I was so pleasantly surprised that Dr. Bauer would be the one who spent all that time answering my questions, seeing as he's the one in the highest demand! The poor guy answers my emails and calls me late at night when he's home from work, something that he doesn't need to do. The truth is that while Sophie's surgery may seem trivial to these surgeons that perform much more complicated surgeries on a daily basis, it is a BIG DEAL to me!! Dr. Bauer seems to get that. We don't have a surgery date yet but Dr. Bauer told me last night that August would probably be the earliest we can get on the schedule.

The other great news is that it looks like Medicaid will pay for it!! We will have to pay for the travel but they will pay the medical costs. Also, my cousin lives in the Chicago area and said we can stay there this summer. It will be nice to have a free place to stay but it will also be nice to have the moral support since Sophie and I will probably be going alone.

The bad news is that we actually are going to do it! Let me explain. Looking at everything logically, I would want my mole removed if I were Sophie and now is the best time physically and psychologically to do it. We are getting the best doctor in the country to do it, and we're getting the best possible procedure to give us the best end result, plus we don't have to pay for it! Seems like a no brainer right? WRONG! Like I was saying, when I think about it logically it makes sense to go for it but when I actually think about how hard it will be for me to see my baby to go into surgery (especially when she doesn't HAVE to, this is totally elective surgery) and having her be in pain as she recovers. I think about having to do her injections to fill the tissue expander myself, her being uncomfortable for 8 weeks as we "grow" more skin on her hand. Then having her go back into surgery again to remove the expander and the mole, and the recovery following. All this thinking makes me want to do anything to get out of it!! But then I go back to what a great opportunity this is and how it's for the best... do you see how crazy this makes me?? The truth is that as a parent I would do anything for my daughter and would never want to cause her pain, the question is whether this pain I will cause her now will prevent equal or greater amounts of pain the future. Would she have developed melanoma if we just left it alone? All of these "what if"'s make me more crazy that anything else.

In conclusion, Dan and I have some more fasting and praying to do but logically (NOT emotionally) it feels like the right thing to do and I think we will end up doing it. How on earth will I survive the drama of it? I have NO CLUE!!!! But we have really felt very good about this doctor and Dan and I have said many times how it seems like this is what we (didn't know) we were waiting for. It just seems like it is all coming together so beautifully that this is meant to be. I'll be happy when it's over.